The Seven Deadly Banding Sins
In some ways banding is kind of like a religion. We gather together on set days of the week (rehearsals), we have sacred days (contests) and we are trying our best to get as many people as possible on board with it - I don't think it will be long before we start doing mormon-style door-to-door presentations. It also has its fair share of sin, in fact it has its own version of Seven Deadly Sins. I have donned my best halo (it's a bit dusty - not been worn in a while) and condemned banding's sinful acts to their corresponding, devilish, deadly category.
So, grab your rosary and let's go...
There is a lot of pride involved in banding. From showing off our trophies on the Ye Olde Book of Face to matching our nails to our band uniform - we are a group of vain tarts, aren't we? However, one example of pride that I would condemn is when a band is 'disappointed' with a really good result that most bands would be over the moon with. The type of band I'm referring to are used to coming first or second and on the one occasion they come third, they are disgusted with it. They then proceed to demonstrate their ungratefulness by protesting this result.. Typical protestations include:
As soon as the full results are revealed, it is then discovered that this band of lies claimed third place out of twenty bands. They expect sympathy for their plight. I'm sure the bands who came 19th and 20th know exactly how they feel.
This sin is caused by the bands who are not satisfied with winning one of the biggest contests in the banding world, but instead have the audacity to go on and achieve, 'the double' or even more trophies in any 12 month period. Shame! They're not satisfied with lifting one trophy, oh no, they want the lot! Do they spare a thought for those who would like to win one of those trophies? No. They have the cheek of working hard and employing a group of talented sinners to claim them all. Shame, shame, SHAME!
Now, there are many banding sins that could be placed into the 'lust' category. However, I think one of the most condemned lustful sins is 'poaching'. Bands look upon talented players with lustful, thieving eyes. The sinful bands are determined to tempt these poor, innocent, unsuspecting players to break their commitments to their band in order to lead them down the path of treachery to their own devilish ensembles. I hear these players who are 'poached' are dragged kicking and screaming, as sinners are dragged to the fiery pits of hell. Those poor, innocent and not at all willing players - may Ball have mercy on their souls.
I don't think there is a bander on this planet who has not committed the sin of envying another band's contest results. If you think you haven't, you are a fibber and therefore a sinner - go grab your rosary and shout 'hail Sparke' until the god's of banding have forgiven you! You may pretend you are happy for the bands in your section who have claimed podium finishes, but this is all a sinful falsehood. Once again, may Ball have mercy on your soul.
There is one main priority at contests, especially those that take place on a Saturday. Beer and lots of it. There are even those who are sinful enough to drink before stepping onto the sacred platform (the stage). The sheer gluttony of banding is shown in full at any bar or pub within the vicinity of the contest venue. Lines of banders push and shove each other to get to the front of the queue of the bar. All of this violence just to gain a pint of golden, liquid immorality. Are they satisfied with just one of these sinful, iniquity-inducing drinks? No! They go back for more and more until their brains are so confounded with ale-infused evil, they make a mockery of themselves. Even worse, they record themselves in this disturbed, inebriated trance and post it for the world to see on the Ye Olde Book of Face, committing the sin of Pride too! Disgraceful!
The main victims of this sin are the saints, also known as adjudicators. These selfless souls put themselves in the firing line to separate the holy from the damned and are consistently faced with the wrath of sinners who were not the chosen ones. They are castigated with cries of 'WE WAS ROBBED' despite these unholy demons not listening to any performances from the other congregation present at the Day of Contest.
This sin tends to come with the addition of lies and falsehoods. Tales are told to cover the fact that sinners have not been completing their penance (known amongst the sinners as practise). They seek forgiveness, yet claim that other priorities have prevented them from keeping their commitment to the band - the insolence! They blame pilgrimage to other lands, labouring until sundown and other sinful explanations as an excuse for their lack of devotion. There are a special breed of heathen who can get away with this lack of devotion yet still produce a heavenly sound. Do not be fooled, this is not a miracle. This is witchcraft and witchcraft is a sin! SHAME!
Which sin are you most guilty of?
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